Saturday, May 30, 2015

"Be truthful, gentle and fearless" - Gandhi

My therapist this week told me that when I keep saying how hard everything is, and how my dreams have kind of fallen apart this year, that I'm actually negating this moment and this life as it is right now. That this path that I've landed on is not something to wish away or 'just get through'.  She of course says it so much more eloquently, but the gist of it was that I'm wishing away today, over and over and over again, and how soul-destroying for me must that be.

Anyone that knows me knows that this is true - I've really had the hardest time of my life in these past couple of months. In this hardship, I have found a strength of character that I never knew I possessed. I have found that I am much more resilient than I could have ever dreamed of being. That doesn't mean it's all ok, it doesn't mean that I am not praying every single day for things to change - these past few months have tested me like no other.

But I also realise that while I'm grieving for a lot right now, I also have some joy in my life. I have found inner strength and peace. I have had it reconfirmed again and again that I have amazing friends. I have been so joyously + heartwarmingly surprised at the kindness of others around me.

I have been so tired and over a lot of things, that for the first time in a long time I am saying 'NO' to a lot. Normally the worry of what others think and how they'll react is my first thought. Not lately. I have been kicked quite a lot by life and situations recently (this adult stuff is hard work!), that I just don't have the energy to worry so much about every one else. I like to believe that I am still kind, I am still compassionate, but I am also loving that for the first time in a long time I am taking care of myself and self-compassion is a huge director of my life right now.

What a beautiful thing - for kindness and compassion to be the way one makes decisions. If only more would do that, right? So today, here's that you live with truth and most importantly gentleness. My you live from love not fear, may you be held and buoyed by the love of those around you.

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