As I'm currently in the midst of a funk of quite major depression, I totally related to this post I read recently, in particular this one line:
Fu*k me, 10 years of metaphysical study and an absurd love of yoga and I was still a paranoid mental case.
If today was raining, no doubt I'd take this line and use it to beat myself up further. But today, right now, the sun is out and I'm doing a little better than I was yesterday. Today I can laugh at this statement. How true it is!
People often get an idea in their heads that their yoga teacher is this together, amazing, (almost) enlightened being. I get it though, I did this to my first real yoga teacher, the teacher who inspired me to do my teacher training, the teacher who showered me with love and support through this wonderful practice we call yoga. I placed her on a pedestal, and when she let me down and *GASP* showed her human-ness, I was quite literally devastated. At first. And then my teacher, in her human-ness, gave me one of the best lessons of my life:
All teachers are human.
All teachers are fallible.
All teachers are - at times - so heartbreakingly, unreliably, starkly REAL.
It's in this realness that we can find inspiration, it's what we relate to.
And that's why I don't hide my depression here or in class, or in the world. But oh how I tried to - I worked for decades at being super-human, this strong person who could go go go and be inspiring, uplifting, and happy 24/7. But none of that is real. Sure, we all have moments of this. But realness is living it up in those moments of pure joy, and then allowing ourselves to cry, crumble, bawl our eyes out (booger alert) and THEN GETTING BACK UP AGAIN.
I am inspired by the student who comes to me and tells me how their child was up all night ill, or that they just lost their job, or their partner broke up with them, or their health is their life-challenge right now.. but they still showed up on the mat. This never fails to make me so grateful for the gift of yoga and of human-ness.
I am not inspired by the waif-like model on instagram showing yet another pic of her half-naked doing a fancy yoga pose. There is absolutely nothing wrong with it if you DO find that inspiring. But for me, heart connection is where I'm at. Falling down 7 times, and getting up 8 is what makes me want to keep on going.
So just for today, I am ok with my depression. I'm grateful that I feel a little lighter today, and I accept that tomorrow will yet again change.
I am inspired by you guys for your honesty. I'm in love with strangers online sending playlists to brighten up my Wintery mood. I am excited by the weekend ahead and cups of coffee with brilliant human beings.
Today, life is good, and human-ness is even better. x