Monday, October 22, 2012

Resentment


I HAVE FOUND MY TEACHERS HAVE COME IN ALL KINDS OF PACKAGES.
Ram Dass



Lately I've uncovered a part of myself that I'm not totally enamoured with. Friends, I have a big resentment, and that resentment is towards - myself! More specifically, my very own body.

I've been battling in acknowledging this resentment towards my body, because every time I step onto my yoga mat to teach a class, I talk to YOU all about accepting yourself, loving yourself, meeting yourself where you're at. And then I step off the mat, come home, and cry because I'm so frustrated and feel so let down about MY body and where I'm at. It's a pickle, dear yogis.

As you know, adrenal fatigue has been my close companion for the last 2.5 years and it was in response to any number of reasons, most being because I pushed and worked too hard and didn't really pick up on the signs that my body, mind and spirit were struggling. So today, when I know my body needs love and attention and a break, and green wholesome veggies and homecooked meals, it's a total struggle because a) I have to pay rent and keep working, b) I'm craving quick-fix foods like sugar and carbs to give me much-needed boosts, and c) I need to lovingly cook and prepare the amazing food that will support me and heal me but time is hard to come by, when all I want to do is sleep.

I've been facing this for a while and I'm getting good at setting boundaries and making priorities, so I know what to do and am trying to do it. Sometimes I'm very successful at it, sometimes I fall behind a little. But this post is not about my success or non-success. It's about finding my teachers wherever they may be. And I'm learning that while resentment isn't attractive, it's a human trait and emotion and more than anything, I need to let myself feel let down in order to then let myself feel loved.

I've done enough 'pushing away' 'ignoring' of emotions to last me a lifetime - it's why I'm in this fatigued/tired/deficient state to begin with. I don't have the answer yet, and each time I go to the doctor and naturopath they find another deficiency, another symptom, another issue that needs to be addressed. But through continually showing up after each and every let down or 2 steps back, I am finding the way forward.
I have found an amazing naturopath.
I have learnt to ask for help.
I have learnt how to have a weekend.
I have re-discovered a love of meditation.
I have learnt the joyful meaning of slowing down.

So to my body - my teacher - thank you.  I haven't quite erased my total resentment towards you, but I'm finding a new love for the gifts you're teaching me.

In gratitude xo

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