Tuesday, August 02, 2011

Turn, Turn, Turn - a Sydney memoir

‘To everything- turn, turn, turn
There is a season-turn, turn, turn
And a time for every purpose under heaven’

If there is anything I have recently learnt, it is that which was captured so perfectly 46 years ago in the 1965 Byrds hit- Turn, Turn, Turn which is based on the book of Ecclesiastes.  They are as true today as they were the day they were written. The reason these words moved me so was because they resonate in perfect synchronicity with where I presently am in my life.
all photos via gorgeous mel x
Where to begin? Let’s just say that we all have a story and this is a little exert of mine that I share with you.

For about a decade of my precious life between the ages of 10 and 20, I was completely lost and broken. From my earliest memory I was so overwhelmed by the noise in my head. This noise would prompt anxiety, fear and heaviness for life. As a result through my eyes I chose to see life as dark, cold and empty. A place that was unfair and people would just hurt one another. A place I did not belong and I guess and did not want to belong. My life and all that surrounded me grew darker and more hollow. I didn’t get it, I didn’t understand and everywhere I turned I couldn’t find any answers. This state of emptiness was reflected in my body, which was fading away and starting to shut down.

I had almost given up hope when as a last resort my beautiful loving parents (who did all they could to love, protect and nurture me) took me to see a spiritual healer. I liken her to a living angel, my angel on earth.

In our first encounter she spoke 7 precious words that broke the spell of destruction that had been culminating within me ‘You are perfect just as you are’.

Let me be honest, it did not happen overnight. It took a lot of work but in that moment she reignited the flame (my spirit) and bit by bit it began to glow brighter and brighter as my hope was being restored.

‘I am perfect just as I am’ - wow! I had never heard such words before and with them came an overwhelming sense of peace and surrender. From this place of hope, anything is possible. Magic can happen.

It’s strange but it’s as though at the ripe age of 20 I really began to see and live. My world had lit up and my surroundings were so beautiful and vivid. I began to experience things, like for the first time. Everything was beautiful and perfect, just like me (Everything is open to interpretation. We have a choice to see the glass half empty or half full).  

What I had found was stillness and presence, which brought forth quietness in my mind. From this place of being in the moment you really get to taste and experience life with all your senses. And from here I had clarity, a drive, passion and purpose. I learnt life is precious and short and that if you let it, fear can cripple and rob you of your life. I had a dream and passion to be a successful actress and I listen to my intuition and heart and moved to Sydney for the next chapter of my life. It was in Sydney that my true healing took place.

 I remember spending a week in Sydney before my big move, to get a feel and real sense of the city. I called my mum in tears saying this wasn’t the place for me, it just didn’t feel right. The next morning I caught the ferry over to Manly. I instantly fell in love and new that I was home. Manly was my home for the first couple of years in Sydney.  I fell so completely in love with my surroundings; the trees so grand and wise, flowers (their perfected colour and scent), the ocean the way it would glisten in the sun and stretch out to the horizon (it gave me the sense of endless possibility).

This is when I received my greatest gift in life I fell in love, with life and more importantly with myself ‘I was perfect just the way I was’.
It was here that I found me. Who I really was, not who I wanted I thought I should be. Not whom I believed others wanted or needed me to be but who I was.
- I learnt the truth about what dwelled in my heart, what made my spirit soar and make me come alive.
- I had taken the time to stop, listen and learn.
- I began to reap the knowledge of the universe that was always inside of me, I simply had found the key.
It answered every question I had ever had. I felt whole and complete. I did not need anything or anyone. I didn’t really know anyone in Manly (or Sydney for that matter) but I never felt alone. I would speak to anyone and everyone. I would open my heart and share a little about me. But what I really loved was learning about others (I had spent my whole life up until now focusing on me, I was ready to really listen). I didn’t have a lot but at this moment I had never felt richer. I was surrounded by so much magic and it didn’t cost me a cent.

In the next phase of my life in Sydney I continued to study acting, learn and grow. At this time I was making friends and was finding that my life was on the other side of the bridge. I was ready to take new risks and to beacon new challenges.

I moved away from my beloved Manly and went through my greatest learnings. It was now that I opened my heart and began to trust (the scariest obstacle to date). I surrender my control and allowed my bubble of protection to burst (I knew I was comfortable and happy with myself, all of me, the good and the bad. But I didn’t know how I would be received by others). It was scary, but I think the greatest things in life come through fear, because they come with high stakes. I made true friendships like I had never had before.

My family was my world. They were the ones that taught me about unconditional love, but I thought that was something that only came with family, but I found it in my friendships. I truly began to understand the statement that ‘It’s better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all’.

A life without love is no life at all. I am so glad that I took the risk and opened my heart as it has brought me some of the my most valuable treasures, my friends, such as my dearest Stella Bella, whom I dedicate this to.

I also learnt that there is a honeymoon period that accompanies relationships, but this ends and this is where they require work and perseverance. They are worth the honestly and the battle. There are the good times but there are also the bad times that hurt like hell, but here we learn and grow the most. Plus ‘to everything there is a season and a time for every purpose under heaven’. How can we truly appreciate the good without having tasted the bad.

Stay tuned for Part 2,  following : )

2 comments:

Melinda said...

Thank you my precious stella bella it's perfect!
I love you heaps and heaps!

Melinda said...

Thanks so much stella bella I love it. You did such an amazing job.xx

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