Wednesday, August 03, 2011

Part 2 :: Turn, Turn, Turn - a Sydney memoir

In this the final phase of my life in Sydney, which spanned over the last 6-12 months, I have probably learnt the most. It was in this time that I ‘officially’ completed my studies and was a real ‘actor’, whatever that means (we are all actors, every single one of us. It’s what we do every day, in different situations, in order to survive).

With that word crept in fear and the old feelings of not being good enough. I started to doubt and push, a recipe for disaster. The worst kind of actor is a desperate one, and that is what I was becoming. I was becoming impatient, no longer in the moment but with my eyes firmly set on my future. I focused once again on what I was lacking and started searching outside of myself for answers. I was out of touch with me, my heart, my body, my soul and one of my greatest assets as a person and actor, my intuition, that which guides me where I need to go. I was frustrated and angry, which came from pushing to make things happen and pushing to revisit the magic that I had once found in Manly. I was tired and a little empty but I knew I had to stop this down ward spiral quickly. I had worked far too hard and learnt far too much to let it all slip away...

 I decided to move back to Manly, the place I had felt most whole and complete. However unlike the first time where everything fell into place, this time everything was so hard. From this place of complete despair I bravely reached out to my friends, again scary but in this moment affirmed the truth of our relationships. With their help I started to see clearly again. All this anger, frustration and despair came from resistance. I was resisting change. I love Manly, I always will. It will always have a scared place in my heart, as it is where I found myself.

But I didn’t need
 Manly or any other place to do that.

I just needed to do what I had learnt to do there, ground back into my body, listen to my heart and allow my spirit to guide me, and above all have faith. That is what happened, I grounded, listened and was guided back home. I realised I was ready. I had done all I had set out to achieve in Sydney and the reason I found myself in such a rut was because I was standing still in fear, I was resisting change and I wasn’t accepting that ‘to everything there is a season and a time for every purpose under heaven’.
My time in Sydney had drawn to an end and I was ready to surrender the fear and step forward into the next exciting chapter of my life, whatever comes. Although I am physically stepping away, my heart leaves full with all the treasured friendships I have gathered along my way. This may be the end of my time in Sydney, for now, but my friendships remain. Just like before they require love, work and perseverance. Something I am committed to always providing.

In my last week’s I visited all the places in Sydney that had moved and inspired me and here I offer them to you. I also have written my own verse to the song ‘turn, turn, turn’ which I dedicate to all of you.

‘To everything-turn, turn, turn
There is a season-turn, turn, turn
And a time for every purpose under heaven

A time to break, A time to heal
A time to listen, A time to learn
A time to overcome fear
A time to open your heart and receive'

1 comment:

skinny latte said...

A beautiful brave story.

I'm reminded of a saying, "wherever you go, there you are". Whenever I'm tempted to just jack it in and go somewhere else, I know that ultimately I have to find that peace within myself rather than transferring that expectation to the place I live in.


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